Do You Think I Wanna Be Like This?

I never really used to consider myself to be a jealous person. Bitter? Perhaps. Petty? Most definitely. I hold grudges, I judge, I hate. But I'm not sure I ever really had issues with jealousy. I never really had much to be jealous of. (Maybe I would have liked more friends, but given my personality issues, it's not like it was surprising that only a few people could tolerate me). Overall, I'm happy with my looks, my stuff, my family, my life.

Yeah... We cannot afford to buy a house. We don't get to take anniversary trips to Hawaii. We don't live in Florida where we can hop in the car and head to the beach or Disney World. In a sense, I wish I had those things. Perhaps I'm a little jealous of the people who do. But I'm still happy for them. I don't resent them. Seeing their joy doesn't make my stomach ache. It doesn't make me want to cry in the shower until I have a headache. It's fine. Good for them. Really.

But those who get pregnant without trying. Who had the surprise twins that they prayed and hoped for. Who conceived in the first few months of trying. Who post pictures of their precious children on social media. Whose kids look just like them... I don't think I'm happy for those people. Not really. I say that I am. But I think I'm too miserable for myself to have any positive feelings for them. Then if they complain about their nausea or their swollen ankles or the lack of sleep... I'm not just jealous. I'm angry.

I'm not the person you want to have around at a baby shower. I'm not the person you want to show a picture of your new grandchild to. I'm not the person who will "like" your pregnancy announcement on Facebook. I'm not the person who will ask you how you've been feeling now that you're out of the first trimester. I'm not the person who will happily hold your baby and play with their feet. I don't know how to be that person anymore. And I'm aware that makes me kind of a crappy person.

I got something of a lecture from my mom in light of that. She said, "They're your family! What are you going to do?" As if I want to be like this and as if I know how to get better. The only response I know how to generate is apathy. Otherwise, I'm just sad. I can zone out. I can go dead in the eyes and pretend the conversation isn't happening. I might be able to conjure a nod or a quick joke. But I can't smile. I can't ask polite questions. I can't be happy.