Setbacks, Delays, and Disappointment--or--Life as I Know It

In the newest Tom Holland Spiderman movie, the character MJ, played by the iconic Zendaya, has something of a catchphrase: "Expect disappointment and you'll never be disappointed." I'm not the kind of person to subscribe to that sort of negative mindset. I mean, if you're always expecting disappointment, your default mode is disappointment. Sometimes you get pleasantly surprised, but otherwise you're always down. Is it worth not being hopeful, just to avoid occasional heartbreak? I feel that, whether you're a hopeful person or a pessimistic person, unfortunate events and challenging circumstances feel pretty much the same.

However, I can say that hope has been really hard to come by for me lately. It does feel like I'm usually down. Once in a while, something will drag me up from the pit and I'll get strung along for a few weeks or months, but eventually I'm dropped right back down to rock bottom. I don't think it hurts any worse to have been happy, to have been hopeful, to start imagining a better future, even if it gets stripped away. At least I got to have my head above water for a little while. But I will say, I do feel foolish.

When it inevitably hits the fan and reality slaps me in the face and kicks me in the gut with its usual cruelty, I feel like an idiot for ever thinking things could have gone better. Life constantly subverts my expectations, constantly surprises me with how much is can suck. Why am I still so shocked?

2022 was supposed to be the year that I had my first IVF frozen embryo transfer and, ideally, the year I gave birth to my first child. My husband and I selected a donor embryo and have it on reserve. I was just waiting for a new cycle to start, to have a routine cavity exam to make sure that I was in good shape for implantation, then I'd take the medications and the hormones and they'd pop that sucker in there. It was only supposed to be a month or two before I had my chance at pregnancy.

But that routine cavity exam, the one I thought was nothing more than a formality? Yeah, it turns out I may have a polyp. And If I do, then I'll require surgery and weeks of recovery before I can even think about starting medication and hormones for a transfer. Why the hell do I suddenly have a polyp? Just to remind me that life sucks and that everything is out of my control? Anytime I create a timeline in my head, it's shattered and ruined. I guess I should have learned my lesson by now, but I was totally caught off guard.

I feel like if all of these delays and setbacks are supposed to teach me a lesson, I should have learned it by now. How many more times do I have to be disappointed before it's determined that I've been through enough? I am going to try my best going forward to make no plans, no schedules or timelines. I'm going to just take my life one moment at a time, walk through doors as they open instead of trying to see the whole path ahead of me. Instead of expecting disappointment, instead of foolish hope, I'm just going to float along until it's all over. I think that's the only way I can keep going at this point.

Is it revolutionary to take it one day at a time, to live in the moment? No. But it's much harder than it seems. I like plans. I like imagining the future. But those fantasies of what my life could be like do nothing but sting in the end. So for the first time in my life, I'm going to try to live by borderline useless, cliched, and worn-out advice. If I'm not too busy deep breathing or meditating, I'll let you know how it goes.