Tomorrow Could Be the Best Day of My Life (or not)

Tomorrow will either be one of the best days of my life, or just the latest entry in a very long list of very disappointing, discouraging, and depressing days. Tomorrow, I go into my fertility clinic for a blood test to see if the embryo we adopted and had transferred about a week ago decided to stick around. Basically, I'm taking a very expensive pregnancy test.

Many people who do IVF will begin taking home pregnancy tests beginning three days after their transfer and continuing daily until their blood pregnancy test about a week and a half later. There are many reasons to do this, but the most likely reason is excitement and impatience. Some people simply want to know if it worked as soon as they possibly can know. Another reason is to monitor their "line progression." As an early pregnancy develops, the test line on a home test will get increasingly dark. Women can use this as a rudimentary measure of their hCG levels, which should steadily increase during the first few days of pregnancy. If the lines stagnate in darkness or begin to lighten, it can be a sign of an early pregnancy loss, also known as a chemical pregnancy.

I chose not to take any home pregnancy tests in the days following my embryo transfer. Many women will begin to see positive home pregnancy tests beginning the third day following a transfer, but others may not see the second line appear until day five, six, or seven. I didn't want to test early and become discouraged unnecessarily. I could take a test right now and be assured of an accurate result, considering the fact that the beta test I'm having done tomorrow will confirm definitively, but I have to go in for the blood test regardless, so I see no point. All of the pregnancy tests I have lying around the house are expired, purchased well over a year ago when I thought there may be the slightest chance that I could conceive naturally or via IUI. Using one of those would not provide any immediate answer, since regardless of the result, I wouldn't trust it to be accurate. I also don't feel like spending more money on home pregnancy tests when my test at the doctor is required anyway.

For the last week, I've spent a lot of time in prayer for the embryo that I had transferred. I believe it is a gift, whether it implanted or not. I experienced a great deal of joy getting to see the photo they provided me of my embryo and imagining what that embryo may grow up like. Of course, I prayed that the embryo would stick, that I'd get to carry it for nine months, and that I'd deliver a healthy baby. But after a certain point, the prayers shifted from a present or future tense to a past tense. At this point, the baby either stuck or it didn't. God knows, but I don't. Maybe the embryo has already "left me" and all my prayers are moot. This thought is troubling. Are the prayers worthless? I trust that they aren't, and I'm going to keep praying anyway, all the way up until I get the phone call tomorrow to tell me the result of my blood test.

Our odds are good. I'm young, the embryo was a good quality, my lining was good, the transfer went off without a hitch, and I ate McDonald's fries on the way home. But if for some reason, it didn't work, I don't think I'll be totally crushed. Of course, I'll be sad. I'll wonder what could have been done differently. I'll feel the guilt that I wasn't a worthy vessel for our donor's embryo. Even with all those complex feelings, I believe that I will have a peace and contentment. My life is blessed as it is. I have a great marriage, a cute dog, a good job, a supportive family and church family, and so much more. Of course, adding a baby would make everything better, but I don't need a child to be happy.

I honestly can't say if I think it worked or not. Some women will say some nonsense about how they "just knew" when they were pregnant, but that's really just confirmation bias and statistics working out in their favor. I don't feel anything that makes me think it worked. I've been having some "twinges" and cramps, but the sensations aren't terribly distinct from things I feel on a somewhat regular basis. I'll find out soon enough, though.