Why We Chose a Closed Adoption

When we started looking into donor embryos as a potential option to expand our family, we considered the different adoption models: open, semi-open, or closed. Facebook support groups for embryo donors and recipients would have you believe that open adoption is the only ethical, moral, or loving way to pursue embryo donation. As we explored people's stories and donors' motives, we began to become totally skeptical of that mindset.

These Facebook groups were also avenues for donating families to find potential recipients. The perks of using this method of adoption, as opposed to a clinic or agency, were namely cost related, as far as we could tell. Instead of paying for matching fees on top of the costs of medicines and the transfer, you would only have to pay for the procedures. When matching fees can be thousands of dollars, paying a few hundred dollars to a lawyer to create an agreement between you and the donation family and a few more hundred dollars for transportation didn't seem so bad. But the benefits ended there.

In the US, there are so many embryos waiting in storage to be used. If you go through a matching agency or a clinic, you have your pick of embryos to choose from. But on the Facebook groups, you're begging for a stranger's scraps. There are far more hopeful recipients than donors. Getting someone to agree to donate can be a months or years long process. Then, worst of all, instead of dealing with professionals, doctors, or social workers, you're having to deal with some random people to orchestrate the donation.

Part of dealing with those random people is dealing with their expectations. Most people donating through those Facebook groups want to pursue an open relationship with the receiving family. On the front end, I was willing to entertain the possibility. I could understand why they'd be interested in knowing about their biological offspring's well-being. They surely care about them, after all, since they chose to donate rather than destroy them. It would also be nice to talk to the donating family regarding health issues or allergies. But as we spoke to potential donors, we realized they wanted a lot more than wellness updates and the exchange of health information.

In these open relationships, the donating family wants to be your extended family. They want their kids to have playdates with your kids, they want birthday party invitations, they want to help make decisions about your child's healthcare and education. You better believe I'm not letting some random person tell me that I can't vaccinate my child just because she's their biological offspring. The truth is, I don't want a new extended family. I want my own family. I already have aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents and I don't want them to have to split time with strangers. At the end of the day, I'm grateful to the people who donated the embryo, but I don't need to become friends with them.

It may be selfish of me, but I really think it would be confusing for the child of an embryo donation. Some people say that a child in a closed adoption will suffer feelings of rejection from their biological family. I don't think that is a universal experience. I would think of my adopted child the same as I would a biological child, so I hope that their relationship with me wouldn't leave them wanting or wondering. I don't think meeting their biological parents would add any clarity to the situation, though. Besides, the family that donated could afford to do IVF. They probably have a lot more money than us, who in part chose donation because, compared to other options, it was a bargain. Don't you think that a child could end up resentful and jealous when they see that their biological siblings get to go to Disney World twice a year and have an in-ground pool? The comparison just sounds unnecessarily burdensome for a kid.

Closed adoption gives us the chance to raise our child, our way. When people conceive naturally, they aren't forced to suddenly adopt an entire network of random people, so why would we want to do that just because we adopted? We just want what anyone else wants: our own family. We don't want to have to let people with other worldviews influence our child just because they're related by blood. We don't want to have to neglect time with our families to go spend time with people we don't really know. I'm sure our kid will be curious about where they came from, and I'll be as honest as possible. Once they turn eighteen, the file on the donor family will be released to them upon request, so the door won't be closed to them forever. But for now, one family is enough for me and I'm pretty sure it will be enough for my kid, too.